This is going to be a long process to write. This is something I need to do, this is something I need to share, and more importantly, this is something I need to remember. I know there's a lot these pages out there on tumblr, heartfelt tales of a love lost, and in all honesty I truly find them hard to read. Whether its from the sheer pain of being able to relate to them, or even from the sheer length of the post, I cant bare to put myself through living someone else's pain. So with that in mind, whoever does stumble upon this page, whoever does bother to share this with me, words can not express ...thank you.
I know where to start. But it's not where you would think. To fully understand this story, I have to help you to understand things from my perspective, I first have to share another source of pain. First off I should let you know that the things that I will next describe, have been the hardest struggles that I have ever had to deal with, these are by no means the worst things in a general sense, but they have left an unbelievable impression on me. Needless to say, they have caused the roots of my issues in life, and you will see how they have destroyed the greatest moments, and hurt those around me who I never intended to be hurt.
I guess I could say it all started with my father... When i was very young, I never understood the concept of a "love child", to me my mother and father were simply married in my eyes. For some reason I was born with a gift for remembering the most random of facts, random moments in my life; I particularly remember a dream I had when I was barely able to speak, one that envisioned my mother marrying my father. It wasn't until I was much older that I told my mother about this dream, even knowing that It wasn't true, there was a kind of hope that it wasn't just a fantasy, that my mum and dad were united. I guess only now I realise why I was so hopeful. For my entire life my mum has been unlucky in love, for me, as the only son she has I knew i would always feel intimidated by another male in her life, but I was too young to fully understand what it all meant to her. Love...was a concept alien to me. To have a serious union with a partner was alien. This feeling was born from simple unfamiliarity. You see every friend i've had, or known has been lucky to have a parent who is bonded with someone else, they are use to the concept of "love" or at least have a basic understanding of what was to "love". I had no idea what love was, but then again, who truly does?
Unfortunately, I never got to see any kind of union with my parents at all. When I was around 6 my father had to leave the country and minus a weeks visit to London where I was able to see him for a few days, our relationship was all but over. For me I felt betrayed. Lost. I felt that I lost someone whom I could have loved. I had to learn to grow up and be a man all by myself. I had to create values and my own sense of structure for what I thought was a 'gentleman'. No one ever knew how hard this was for me. The first time I would play in a football match, the first time on a date, the first time shaving...All chances missed for him to give me advice or the support I needed. I was so...angry at him. For not being there, for not even contacting me. His best efforts would be to call maybe 3 times a year, and consistently ask my mother for my contact details, for which he would always seem to lose. What's sad is that my mum tries to keep me in contact with his side of the family, she tries so desperately to get me to bond. Yet the hatred that I hold against my dad keeps me from ever trying. The one person that actually bonds his family and mine has never been there.
I really should take this moment to praise my mother, because she inspires me to be all that I can be. She was both a mother and father to me, was there throughout every moment. I am so proud to have her as a mother, and fortunate to even be able to call her one of my best friends.
I cannot lie, it has been a struggle to find myself at times. Trying to find out what type of man I wanted to be. I used my dad as an example. I swore to myself that if I were to have children that I would never leave them. That if I were to love another, that I would never stop loving them. I had seen the sorrow in my mother's eyes, I have felt that loneliness. That is something that I would never wish onto anyone, something that I could never put them through. But this left me scared, because I had no sense of what was right or wrong in a relationship, I had no self worth. Thinking this for so long, I had eventually convinced myself that I was no good for someone else. That no one could ever love me. I was so scared to even be loved for the possibility of them leaving me like my father, leaving me with nothing and everything to build. You can see now that I would have developed serious trust issues, because allowing someone in that close would have meant the possibility of being hurt. I couldn't afford to love nor be loved.
As a young teen I had various fling relationships, yet they all seemed to end as soon as they began. No doubt because of this fear which I had of hurting them, or them hurting me. The idea was to get out as soon as possible once I started to feel comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I have been dumped before, I have been hurt over it, but I knew I had never been in love. That was one thing I was sure about. To me I wasn't even remotely drawn towards wanting to feel that love, funny but true, this was probably because I was a young man who wanted nothing more then to "play the field". And so I did for a while, but was never satisfied. A few on off flings, tongue in cheek conversations with girls, but nothing I would deem serious at all. Eventually I found myself at University, I was 18 and had a desire to venture out of my nest and experience living away for at least a year. As a student, you realise that you are always broke, so to support my efforts of moving out, I needed a job. I found myself applying for various jobs with no luck. Until I received a call one evening about some temporary retail work, this was a great start, but I knew it wasn't enough. Not even 5minutes after I got that call, I got another. This one was for a permanent position in a pharmacy. I've never had such luck before.
In truth it was a long process of interviews, but I was getting paid, so I didn't care. I had passed every test they had given me and found myself at a large shopping centre in London where I would begin training and meet my fellow colleagues...I had no idea that this, my life would change forever.
25.07.2011 ...I fell in love.
This next part is particularly difficult to write. Forgive me, but it's still raw.
She was late. Our first day and I had arrived on time ready to learn and earn some money. I glimpsed at the entrance to notice a couple girls rushing to enter the building, trying helplessly to open doors that clearly locked. One young lady I noticed in particular. Now I'm a great fan of movies, my own personal collection is nothing to be laughed at, even now I cant help but think of this moment and have it tied to some corny "soppy" love music from a romance film, and have it play back in slow motion aha. Honestly, I was struck. I caught glimpses of her hair at first, she had beautiful hair, dark brown with light medium undertones. It was very long too, she wasn't particularly tall, below average height in fact (she use to moan a lot about this lol), so her hair reached a fair distance. When she eventually came closer, I swear to God she was the most prettiest young lady I had ever met. I couldn't help but smile like and idiot. My thoughts were shuffling around "wait...she's here to work with us!?" I was nervous. I never told her that, but she made nervous and excited and with an urge to impress.
We had a weeks worth of training before we all had to split up and venture to other stores to put that training into practical use. So I knew I didn't have much time. Forgive me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Something about her was captivating. By this point, I still had no idea what love was, I still was unaware that I was in love, although clearly I was. I was 18. I was a boy. So please spare my ignorance. Our first task from that week was to collect ourselves into groups and then make smaller groups of two within that group. She was in my group. I knew who I wanted as a partner lol. But...that wasn't the case. You could understand how jealous I was with the person who she did go off with. So far I was able to make her laugh a couple of times and like I said, I wanted to impress her; making others laugh was almost a specialty So that's what I continued to do. Every so often I would catch myself staring at her, hoping for her to look back at me and feel what I was feeling. But for the fear of giving the "stalker" impression, I held back. The days continued in this fashion. We both found ourselves hanging in the same group with people our age and so I was lucky to even be able to hang around her. We spoke a few times and for that week, those brief conversations were the sole purpose for me going into work. Looking back on it now, I was without a doubt, head over heels for this girl.
I've always been the comedian, I've always tried to keep a side of me that remains youthful and immature and just generally fun. Pranks came naturally to me and in truth, dares were easy. The group we were in (her included) dared me to enter one of the nearby shops and ask a stupid question referring to a poster they had outside. I passed with flying colours, although couldn't keep a straight face for too much longer afterwards. She laughed. I was happy. The week was coming to an end and I was disappointed that I wouldn't get to see her for a long while, so I though that this was my chance, instead of a date, I wanted to ask her to just hang about with me as we wondered the shops together and finally have some alone time. I never told her, but I was planning on buying her something, something that she could then think of me for the time we were apart. I had no idea what I was going to buy her, but it didn't matter in the end. She couldn't come. My heart sank. Instead I asked for her number and from that point we never stopped texting each other. Even after she left, I messaged her straight away, saying how I wished she could have come with me. Who knew that this was the beginning of something so wonderful.
The following weeks were filled with constant thoughts of her. Wondering what she was up to, if she was happy, if she even thought of me. We texted every day, as all great friendships start, we got to know each other really well, it was something we never grew out of. We were reunited a few weeks later for a catch up on our experiences working for the company. She was late lol. I couldn't wait to see her. Even as I type this I can see how smitten I was with her. I knew she liked me back, but the question was how do I really approach someone like this, she intrigued me so much. I'm never nervous around girls, she was different, that much was obvious. The texts continued.
17.08.2011 ...The Day She Came To See Me.
I remember this day well. Finally the store we were training for was opening for the first time and we had a big opening day. Every colleague was asked to come in. It was a stupidly early time, 6am I think. She wasn't actually planning on coming since it wasn't her shift, but I had to be there. She surprised me that day by coming in to see me. I couldn't believe that she would sacrifice her time to see me. I was so humbled. As you might expect I tried every moment to go and talk to her, that was the first of many times I was told off by my managers for doing so. I didn't care. The texts continued.
Unfortunately we had different shifts, I worked during the weeks and she worked on the weekends. What could I do? I knew that I needed change my shift because I needed the time for studies. But everyone that tried to ask for a weekend position had been turned down. Shit. Somehow, I was able to smooth talk my manager into giving it me, but more then that...my manager knew, she knew that I liked her. I was able to get overtime for the weekend, and test out the hours to see if it was okay. I could see her! But she didn't know. This was the first of many times I was able to surprise her - I loved surprising her. And so I went in that saturday...there she was. She was shocked, we hugged and that was the first hug of many...one that I would learn to cherish. There was something about that hug for me, something that clicked and made everything seem right, it's hard to describe, I think girls often call them "Butterflies". For me it wasn't necessarily that, it was almost more then that, it was like... I knew, a certainty of my love for her. Shit. There was no denying it this time. That day she had to leave early, but before she left, I wanted to let her know that I was going to start working on the weekends from then on..."You want to know a secret?" ..."What?" *I smile* "I'm going to be working on the weekends" ...*she smiles* "Really!?" ..."Really". I loved her smile. I knew she liked me, I never knew how much until then. The texts continued.
I swear that I was just living for those weekends where we would get to see each other. Yet, something went wrong, at least for me it did. We had another colleague join the same time I started, another young guy. Now in all honesty I have never been the jealous type, but from that moment on, I think there is no doubt in my mind, when it came to her, I was a serious jealous freak ahaha. I mean you would probably get why, with everything I was feeling, it was only natural. Yet, I don't think she realised how much I liked her, I covered it really well. The next few weeks that went by weren't the best. She could see that something was wrong and to her she felt that I was being unnecessarily indifferent towards her, but that wasn't the case. She tried to get some payback by flirting with this guy, even though she knew it was wrong. If a girl ever stumbles upon this, let me just give you this advice from a male perspective; if you think that you need to get some sort of payback on a guy you like, or think that you need to get his attention by being with someone else, just beware of the consequences. It's never the answer, seriously. It's horrible. Anyway, Needless to say, I was infuriated, I loathed her for that. A few chars where thrown and tables flipped. Don't worry, I did this all in secret, she never knew haha. When I finally returned to the shop floor, I just hid it. She knew something was up, but she realised that I was able to suppress it, there was something about me doing that which connected with her. In all honesty, I've been doing that my whole life, so it just came natural. We had a connection like that, how we thought and dealt with things.
The time was soon coming that I had to move out and begin a life away from home. I was excited. In the back of my head I thought to myself, I really want to show her. Now you have to believe me, there wasn't a sexual intent with my invitation, but I wanted her there. So I asked her. She said yes. Shit...she said yes. But something went wrong...The night before she was meant to come to mine our work colleagues had organised a small night out. That guy was there. It honestly felt like I had to then fight for her attention. I remember in particular that she was sitting in between me and him and all of a sudden she would rest her head on my shoulder. My heart skipped. It was like she chose me. But then..later, she did the same to him. My heart dropped. From that point I was adamant that she was deciding between us, the pain was sharp. I called her that night, I wanted to ask her once and for all who she wanted. She reassured me that nothing was wrong and that she was still coming to see me the next day. I was content for then.
31.10.2011 ...The Day She Met Me.
I'll be honest...I hadn't planned ahead. I had no idea what we would do that day. But I wanted it to be fun, simple...just us. When we met up, we took a diversion to a local supermarket and I bought a fuck load of sweets. I have a sweet tooth lol. When we did eventually get back to mine, I knew we had to watch a scary film...date rules 101! She was particular scared of "Scream". Perfect. Instinctively we snuggled up like it was the norm. I had never felt so comfortable. We spoke for hours that day. Just hugged. One moment in particular that will last in my heart forever came after a tickle fight. She somehow wound on top of me and froze. I was mesmerised. We stayed silent and I just peered into her eyes, endlessly. It was the perfect moment for a first kiss right? But I didn't. She was special, and even thought this moment was special, it wasn't good enough, not for her.
Now normally I have a small issue with people looking into my eyes. I truly believe that it's like a window into the soul. But with all the pain I have felt in my life, I had developed a serious habit of just breaking eye contact after a while. I can't explain it. But there was something about that moment, about her, that I just couldn't break away. I fell in love with her eyes. I fell in love with who she was. She was perfect. She had a huge heart that loved for her family and friends. A sense of humour that could make me laugh. She was silly. So intellectual. Ambitious. We ended that day just lying with each other watching "Hey Arnold"...something so silly, but so perfect. I don't think it mattered what we did that day, it was always going to be special for us. The texts continued.
Whilst getting to know her I understood how much she was being held back by her parents, and just by her own thoughts in general. I wanted her to be free. I wanted to show her what that freedom was. I wanted to share with her parts of my life that I knew she would appreciate and love. This was something that never left me. Me wanting to see her happy and free was always my main goal with her. I never stopped trying for this, not even at the end.
It's true, I was living for those weekends, and so was she. We got so much closer. And shared a lot. We found ourselves just spending a couple of hours together after work in the winter nights. Just walking, talking. Those moments were precious to me. She always had a problem expressing her emotions, and so I tried to help her to express them. I always wanted to know what was on her mind. I always did. She eventually learnt to trust me almost completely. I was there for her. Every bad moment she had, I was there. I always wanted her to know that I would care for her. Any distress she had I was there. But it wasn't enough...I knew it was time...time to show her how much I liked her, even loved her.
11.12.2011 ...Our First Kiss.
It seemed like every night after work we made time for these late night walks in the winter night. We spoke for hours every time. Got to know each other and got into some trouble every now and again. I would love to hear what she thought, she was so intriguing to me. I would often ask her what was on her mind as a method for her to vent or even just to see what she was genuinely thinking; girls can be tricky lol. I fell in love with who she was, her soul.
A winter night. After work. Another walk. It was cold and we stayed close to keep warm. I don't know what possessed me to say it, but I did. It just came out. The lights in London were beautiful that night, but they couldn't compare to her. I turned to her after being silent for a while, I simply asked ..."Can I kiss you?" ...she looked at me. She wasn't shocked. She smiled. "Yes" ...Shit, she said yes. But I didn't do it just yet. I didn't even know it yet, but it was build up. It had been a build up for a long time. We came across some stairs that lead to a Colosseum like building, in the middle of a bustling London night, amongst the lights. We stayed close. I asked her again. She said yes... I kiss her. We don't stop. We know...but no words are said. You only get one first kiss, a true first kiss. It was perfect for her and for me. "Better than the movies" she later described it. She had no idea how amazing that made me feel to hear that.
In the back of my mind, I was scared, scared even then. The reason being was that I knew I was in love with her, but with my history, with everything that had gone on with my father and mother, I had no idea how to love her...at least, not properly. Much like those nights I was wondering around, trying to find the perfect place for us, trying to find how to love her back with the proper intent. I was so scared to hurt her. Please don't think cruelly of me, but I had already written a Break-up message for her. I loved her so much that I was scared to hurt her, so I always thought that she would be better off without me. This feeling never faded.
Okay, now...the exact dates from now on will more then likely stop. I was never good with dates, but the few that i've stated already were very precious. There are many days after which were too, but for some reason I just don't have them written down. I wish I did.
The Day She Told Me She Loved Me.
This was the first time that I went to see where she lived. I was excited about seeing her. Seeing her surroundings and seeing where she grew up. I knew that it would make me closer to her. She wanted to show me something that day, she wanted to share with me the place she treasured, that when things would get all too rough for her, she would run to this place and gain peace of mind. A special park that would overlook London. It was majestic I was so honoured and grateful. I knew that in that moment I had to share with her some of me. I decided on sharing with her all the pain I had felt with my father. I had never shared this with anyone. It is still such a touchy subject with me. But how could I not, how could I allow her to give me something precious to her, share a piece of her, and not return that sentiment.
I broke down. I hadn't cried in years. It was something that I had forced myself to cut out. I have never liked crying. But this was so dear to me that I knew that sharing it would bring this all out. She held me. Looked into my eyes and froze. I beckoned her to speak, I knew when something was playing on her mind. I could see she was struggling to say something. DAMN IT!! JUST SAY IT! my thoughts were going into overdrive. Then she spoke..."I Love You" I looked at her with eyes of gratitude. She had finally said it. Said the words I was desperate to hear. I responded after a small while ..."I Love You too" I always had. That evening was another precious moment to me. We hugged to the sunset, she held me and made me feel safe and I kept warm.
From that moment on, we ended every text with a heart and two kisses. Often told each other that we loved one another. Soppy and romantic, just the way we were haha. It was perfect.
Lies Changed It All.
Everything was perfect. We had a perfect relationship. Truly. Yet whilst getting to know each other I thought I got to know almost every aspect about her. I believed in her and never thought she could lie to me. In truth, the lie itself was not the issue, it was more the fact that she had lied. She broke something in me that day, because for the first time I saw that I could be hurt, that I could be lied to by the person I had shared so much with and revealed some of my deepest secrets to. I had faith in her, and finding out that she was able to lie to me just broke me. I had never been so angry with her. Needless to say, the way I reacted she was never going to forget. Lies are a big deal to me. They have links to my past, the words that we have are all that we have, if we are close then I would never expect you to lie to me, because for that moment in time, you were the person I entrusted everything to. How could you break that trust? How was I ever going to be able to trust you again? That thought alone infuriated me. How could you do that to our relationship?
I learnt that from that day I had to be cautious. I still entrusted her with secrets of my life and kept her in high regard, I was just all too aware of what she was capable of. Looking back on everything now I can see how much this truly got to me. This was a day I never forgot. She constantly said that I held it against her, well in all honesty I think she may be right. Although I wouldn't say I held it against her, more myself. I held it so that I could never forget. She regretted ever telling me (this only made it worse, because then I knew she actually wanted to live with a lie towards me).
With time I accepted it. Though in times of anger it did slip out and was used against her. I admit that. But when we get angry we can hardly control what comes out of our mouths. She had the same problem. We all do. It's human.
Love "Me"?
With all that I've had in the past, I was highly insecure and unsure of myself. Like I have stated before, the concept of "love" still eluded me. I found it hard to accept the love that was given to me. She loved me so much, but it seemed the more she loved, the more it seemed so unbelievable. I know you are probably reading this and thinking "you idiot!! she clearly loved you!". Well you are right. I kept repeating that in my head, but my thoughts were very hard to fight off. I had been alone for so long. Literally alone. She reached me in a way that I never thought anyone could. But that also scared me. Stupidly I questioned her love. I questioned it whenever it got to me. This got to her a lot. You see I never meant to hurt her with this, it was just a struggle for me, I needed that security, to be reminded that she would never leave me. It's only now that I realised that this was the 6 year old within me that longed to be loved, that same child who was abandoned by his father. That fear of having someone leave me was still so raw, even years later. But she knew this, she knew because I had told her. So I questioned, and questioned. You see something she never realised was that it wasn't a matter of me believing in her love, just that I needed to know she would never walk out on me. I knew I couldn't take that pain.
Moments Just For Her...
In life we all experience troubles. I've had my fair few. But she seemed so innocent and unaware of it all. All I wanted was to care for her. Take away her pain, tell her everything was going to be okay and make her smile. Now there were some serious moments in her life that caused her a great deal of stress. She was self destructing right before my eyes. Her last year of College was tough for both of us. Life was pulling her down and she had to consider and choose her future, something we are all too young to really have to consider at such an age. Pressure and expectation from her family was tough, but there was not a pressure nor expectation that was as intense as her own. She was imploding and it was almost self inflicted. These moments as you can imagine were difficult for her, but for me, they were just as difficult.
Now I have to say that if I believe in you, I will never back down from that faith. I will continue to support you no matter what. I showed her this during those tough times. She was breaking down on a constant level, sometimes more then once a day. I made sure that I was there for all of it. I refused to let her suffer alone. I knew my place. It was by her side, no matter what, that's where I wanted to be. Where I belonged. I still feel this way, that's how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. No matter what the difficulty, no matter what the issue, I would drop everything that I was doing or even feeling, just to comfort and support her. I never wanted to see her breakdown. It secretly breaks me too. For someone whom I loved, I could only care.
She worried most about her future and what would happen with us in the long term. I knew that I didn't want her out of my life, that much was for sure. But nagging thoughts in my head kept telling me that perhaps me being with her was holding her back. I said something stupid to her. I essentially mentioned that we as a couple had an expiration date. She had something she wanted so desperately, a future that would have seen me become something so small in her life. I never wanted to be in the way of her plans or whatever made her happy. Yet, the friend in me would keep pulling towards the idea that this plan wasn't something that she actually wanted. This was pressure from those around her. Instead I wanted her to think of her passions and what she wanted to do that could keep her happy in the long term. She broke down after I mentioned breaking up. Yet I knew that in my heart I couldn't leave her. I didn't want to. I loved her too much. Instead we had to work together for what she wanted. This wouldn't be the first time I brought up breaking up, I never knew what toll these words would have on her...looking back on them and even in the moment I regret all of them, I just wish I was wise enough to see it.
The Day She Told Me She Could Stay Over...
At this time she was still very much the princess locked in the tower at home. My flat was like the sanctuary for her. She wanted to get away. I remember this day, we were on a date and had decided to head to an italian restaurant. I can't remember the conversations we had very well, but I remember her receiving a message on her phone and then smiling towards it. She was so cool with the news. "How about I stay over?" I didn't even process the information. I was stunned. You see at this particular time one of her friends had a birthday party that she was already going to. She wanted to sneakily stay with me that night instead of being with her friend. Lol. It worked. I'll never forget how she told me the news. (It's not a big part to the story I know, just something I want to remember).
Prom...
Now I hate Proms, I never went to any of my Proms at school. I was never interested and hated the occasion in general. It never enticed me. I remember that she had this big secret news that she wanted to tell me. I don't like surprises, don't ask me why, I just don't. She knew this but like a little rascal she played and played haha. She loved to tease me. My patience was short though. I just remember ruining the occasion when it finally came time for her to tell me what she wanted to tell me. In fact it wasn't even a talk, she gave me an envelope. I was so confused. She did everything in her own little way. She actually gave me an card, expressing how honoured she would be for me to go to her Prom! ...I am such a jerk. I felt so bad. It was the most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me. I loved her. How could I say no!? ...I said no... Syke. Of course I went! I was honoured. There were times when I would get selfish threaten that I wouldn't go sometimes, but I knew I was always going.
In fact...here's little secret that she never knew. You see she actually had two Proms on the same evening. One was for her current college and the other was for her old school where she had all of her old friends which she hadn't seen in a few years. The issue was, that her college was overly strict with who went. Now I was always going to her Prom, but I had to make sure that I actually could go. I had (or so I thought) convinced her to go to her College Prom and simply said that she should enjoy herself and not to worry that I couldn't come. I contacted her friends from college and we developed a plan for me to surprise her that night. I loved surprising her, nothing made me happier then making my love happy. The plan was set. Or, at least I thought...until she gave me that card.
The night itself was crazy! so much happened. I got to meet her best friend and luckily made the right kind of impression. Her friends were all sweet and even though I felt uneasy for being (at some points) the centre of attention, I didn't care. I was here for her. We had so much fun that night, and of course with fun there is also drama lol. I've experienced a lot of drama so it didn't phase me, I was just there as support and needed nothing to ruin her night. She broke down right at the end of that night. I couldn't stop it. She felt oppressed at home, let's face it, we all do. She longed to be free, and that's what I wanted for her..to fly. The night ended on a better note, I got everyone to a level of satisfaction. I don't know how even I do it sometimes. I made her proud, that much I was sure of.
It took me hours to get home, but all I could remember was constantly smiling on the way home.
Valentines Day (part1)...
We spent the day in London just venturing through shops. I knew what I wanted to get her, however, I wanted her to have a choice of whatever she wanted. I know that's not normally the sentiment, but don't get me wrong, all that "swarve" was coming. We were both chocoholics, so essentially it was simple...a HUGE box of chocolates! I mean, the type that would take at least a week to finish...even with her families help. I had another plan too, I wanted to get her a particular soft toy that would relate to her nickname that I gave her. Unfortunately I couldn't find it. But indadvertedly she found the perfect one for me. You know one of the dwarves "Mr Grumpy" from Snow White? Yeah... she got me that haha. It's the silliest things that mean a lot, I always keep it close with me. Even now. I owed her a soft toy. One which I eventually got. She has a couple from me. I don't know if she keeps them close to her anymore. She used to keep them close to her too, I don't know if she does anymore.
Results Day...
The worst day for her would be her results day. High hopes would be her downfall. I don't want to touch on this much for the sake that this was something even she wouldn't want to reminisce. However, the events lead to her having to change her plans. Shockingly these events curved in favour of our relationship. Weirdly enough she chose to come to my Uni and seek accommodation! Her parents would never allow this! ...but they did! We couldn't believe it. This was a blessing in disguise. All the times we met we wished that we could be with each other for longer, that we could stay together. This was the answer to our prayers. And so the year away from home and towards freedom began...I had no idea that this would be the greatest and worst year of my life....
I realise that every time I type, I get this urge to message her. I miss her. But I don't want to do that. I bet whoever is reading this is thinking how could we both have so much love and now you feel this way? Well, wait until I get to the end, and then maybe you'll understand.
(I'll try and update this regularly, clearly the story isn't finished, so bare with me if you are reading this now) Last updated 27th August 2013.
